Dear Reader, I often hear from my clients that they set healthy boundaries and then feel a wave of guilt in the aftermath. They begin to ruminate and overthink the effect of your boundary on the person and the impact that this boundary will have on the relationship. They may start to question theboundary, and maybe even backtrack. If you feel like this, you are not alone.
Unlearning unhealthy behaviours can be very challenging and can bring a whole array of negative thoughts and fears that you have for yourself and towards those around you. The good news is that with a few simple actions you can become stronger and learn that boundaries help you to have a healthy relationship toward yourself and others.
Sometimes, we feel so guilty that we break our own boundaries. We make exceptions. We spit out a slew of I’m sorrys. We start insulting ourselves.”
“People often feel guilty when they think they’re prioritizing their own needs over someone else’s needs. After all, our society glorifies self-sacrifice, and caring for oneself first may be seen as selfish (versus what it really is: healthy).
In some families, particularly in collective societies like in South Asia, boundaries are interpreted as disconnection, as disrespectful, and as unloving.”
Here are 3 ways to reduce the guilt that comes with setting boundaries:
1. It’s important not to jump to self-judgment.
When you feel guilt coming on, keep telling yourself statements or mantras like: “It’s OK to set boundaries” or “You did a good job setting a boundary even though it’s uncomfortable” or “Just because I feel guilty doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong.”
“When we realize that we are punishing ourselves for being protective of ourselves it’s an opportunity to investigate why.
Feelings — Needs — Boundaries
What are your feelings? As a result of those feelings what do you need? What boundary did you set in order to honor those feelings and needs? Self-validation is critical to surviving blaming, shaming and gaslighting.
Your feelings are valid. Your needs are important. Your boundaries? Iconic.”
2. Identify your personal reasons for setting a boundary.
“Pick reasons that speak to your personal values—and writing them down or telling them to a good friend. When feelings of guilt start to surface, reconnect to your own reasons. For instance, your reasons might be: increasing my self-worth; reducing stress and resentment; and strengthening my relationships.”
“Boundaries are for your own wellbeing, not to control others.”
“Shame makes us question ourselves. Am I a selfish person? Am I too sensitive? Guilt makes us question our actions. Did I overreact? Should I just forgive and forget?
Fear of what will happen next can skyrocket the uncertainty and self-criticism through the roof.
Your feelings are valid. Your needs are important, and your boundaries are critical for your well-being.”
3. Believe in infinite possibilities and bet on abundance.
“Setting boundaries is a skill, which gets easier the more you practice. And the more you practice, the less guilt and fear you’ll feel—and the more accustomed people will become to your boundaries.”
“What makes setting a boundary so terrifying is the fear that you are might lose something. An important relationship, an opportunity, anything that you truly desire can be used against you. The fear of missing out and the potential of scarcity can pose a major threat.
Meet that threat with this fact: ‘There are infinite possibilities and some of those possibilities are absolutely fantastic.’
If you’re at risk of losing a relationship after setting a boundary, maybe relationships that require you to betray yourself are not actually good for your mental health. Lower the stakes by remaining open to good things happening.
It’s hard to imagine our lives differently but it’s helpful to invest in the positive potential of the unknown. When we set boundaries we take a risk and sometimes those risks come with unimaginable rewards.”
