Setting healthy boundaries is a commendable step towards self-care, but it's not uncommon to be met with a wave of guilt afterward. Many of my clients express this struggle, ruminating on the impact on others and the relationship. If you've experienced this, know that you're not alone.
Unlearning ingrained behaviours is challenging, often triggering negative thoughts and fears. The good news is, with a few simple actions, you can reinforce the idea that boundaries are not only positive but essential for cultivating healthy relationships with yourself and others.
Our society often glorifies self-sacrifice, portraying self-care as selfish rather than recognizing it as a crucial aspect of well-being. In certain families, especially in collective societies like South Asia, boundaries might be seen as disconnecting, disrespectful, or unloving, influenced by cultural norms. Here are three strategies to alleviate the guilt associated with setting boundaries.
Avoid Immediate Self-Judgment: When guilt surfaces, counter it with positive affirmations like, “It’s okay to set boundaries” or “You did well, even if it feels uncomfortable.” Resist the urge to self-punish; instead, use it as an opportunity for self-inquiry.
Consider the sequence: Feelings – Needs – Boundaries. Acknowledge your feelings, identify the needs they represent, and recognize the boundary set to honour those feelings and needs. Self-validation is vital in resisting blame, shame, and gaslighting.
Your feelings are valid. Your needs matter.
Clarify Personal Reasons for Boundaries: Connect with your values by identifying personal reasons for setting boundaries. Share these reasons with a friend or jot them down. When guilt surfaces, re-establish a connection with your values, such as increasing self-worth, reducing stress, and fortifying relationships.
Remember, boundaries are for your well-being, not to control others. Combat shame questioning your character by recognizing the legitimacy of your feelings and the importance of your needs.
Embrace Infinite Possibilities: Setting boundaries is a skill that improves with practice. The fear of losing something important, be it a relationship or opportunity, can be paralyzing. Counter this fear with the acknowledgment that infinite possibilities exist, and some can be truly fantastic.
If a relationship is at risk post-boundary-setting, consider that relationships demanding self-betrayal may not be conducive to your mental health. Lower the stakes by remaining open to positive outcomes. Embrace the positive potential of the unknown, acknowledging that setting boundaries involves risk and potential rewards.
Would you enjoy a deeper diver into these topis? My monthly newsletter is a subtle reminder that you're not alone in this journey. If you find solace in meaningful content, feel free to be a part of it. Download your free e-book at www.mamtasaha.com, connect on LinkedIn: Mamta Saha and IG: Saha_Mamta.
Wishing you the peace you truly deserve.
