My fellow idiots, it is with great, non, avec grand plaisir, I make the case for staying in the EU. The case is simply that without us, Europe will be a shambles and the silly buggers will start fighting amongst themselves again, and you just know we will be dragged in to sort out their mess. It’ll probably be the Germans again; they have got track record of 2 out 2 for World Wars.
At least with us in the EU, those war-ing Germans and French have a common enemy – us the British. And that always keeps the peace. Putin wants us to leave, can’t imagine where he learnt ‘divide and conquer’.
I don’t want to strike fear into you of the unknown of leaving, but consider how quickly your passport will fill up with stamps, how much even longer immigration queues at the fricking airport will be than they are now, without being part of the EU special lanes? Prices will rocket up, jobs will fall, no one will buy our products everyone, there will be a nuclear winter, I mean every single company in Britain will relocate somewhere else in Europe. Ohhh la la, sacre bleu I say. We will even have to seal the Euro Tunnel again…with the carcasses of English virgins.
If we leave, kiss goodbye to all things continental – croissants, baguettes, sausage, champagne, pizza – you will have none of them if we leave the EU. Instead, you will have to live with bad weather, bad suits and bad food.
And what of our influence in the world. Our nukes will be more limp than an over-soaked biscuit in English tea. We may even have to make alliance with the peoples of the Commonwealth, and they aren’t so white. At least with EU immigrants it’s difficult to notice them amongst us and so more comforting.
I rest my case for staying in Europe.
The Case For Leaving the EU:
It’s simple. We are too good for them. We stand aside even geographically from them, looking down on their weird continental ways. We use deodorant for instance. Plus think of the immigrants. We are a small island. First we let in the blacks, then the Asians, now it’s just open season for God’s sake. We didn’t conquer the rest of the world, only for it to come and move in with us.
And if that doesn’t convince you – one more word – MUSLIMS. OMG, they will let Turkey into the EU, we will be over-run with headscarves and terror alerts. Churchill would want us to leave. He’d have nothing to do with Europe if he were alive, never did, never would. Even Jesus wants us to leave – it says love thy neighbour in the Bible – that’s right, a concept of a neighbour – someone next to you, not the same as you.
And if we leave we regain our Sovereignty and once again Her Majesty can make whatever laws she sees fit – just like she did before the EU.
And we get to control our borders, just the way we do our prisons and drugs.
And every single world politician except Donald Trump wants us to stay…never a better argument for leaving has there ever been.
I rest my case for leaving Europe and sailing off.
