I write to you on my wedding anniversary. A woman went viral on social media in her plea to PM Modi to ‘make men share the housework’. As the Hollywood movie ‘The Break Up’ put it ‘I don’t want you to do the dishes, I want you to want to do the dishes.’ And it’s that subtle distinction that is lost in so many households.
No one wants to do housework. Covid means we are paying for a cleaner we dare not let into our house. And I don’t like getting down on my knees with Dettol wipes and wiping grime off the floor -even if they are lemon fresh wipes.
But you see my son wakes up at 3am and asks for his mother, not his father. So, I wipe the floor the next day. Why? I don’t want to. No one wants to. But I do want to. I love his mother.
I wouldn’t want my mother doing that work. I assume my son wouldn’t want his mother doing it. So I do it. Thank fully before I was a barrister I cleaned toilets and before that my grandmother made sure I knew how to hang and fold laundry, make beds, tighten sheets, iron, vacuum clean among other things.
Don’t get me wrong. I have had cleaners since in my 20s (actually, since University) and I don’t enjoy cleaning unless suddenly overcome with some urge to spring clean or temporary obsession.
My point is this. The woman on social media was trying to make social change through not her own voice, not through nagging, but through a man and a perceived traditional man at that – the PM of India.
As my wife says PM Modi is pro-women. He is a role model then to other men. His enemies will disagree. But perceptions matter. If he is a role model, sweeping the streets, then this writer can say to all the male readers of this paper, I clean bathrooms and floors (not as much as my poor wife – she is at home more often), I get down on my knees and scrub the floor and in case you think the work is beneath you – I am an Oxford Don, a hedge fund manager and a Barrister.
So, as your wives get ready to print out this column, and stick it to your bathroom, bedroom, every room, might I suggest the psychology is this – it is not that you want to do the dishes, it’s that you want to want to do the dishes – because for one moment, you remember it’s a loved one otherwise who has an unfair burden.
Alpesh Patel
