Dear PM Khan, (I know, like you, I cannot believe it either),
I thought you may find it instructive to be schooled in the art of Statesmanship and being Prime Ministerial.
Let’s start with your Tweets of late. It may be you’ve lost your password and some deranged lunatic has access to your account. Twitter Inc can help recover your account. If you are indeed the one Tweeting, then here are some pointers. First, never Tweet angry. Second, assume you’re always angry.
Let us begin. Everything doesn’t have to be about religion. Politics and religion are a toxic mix. Tone it down. Second, the French. We in Britain have had a few scraps with our garlic eating, wine drinking neighbours. I think we’ve had more wars with the French than the Russians or Germans. But, we like their values. Liberty, Equality, Fraternity.
So, when their President gets irked one of their school teachers is beheaded medieval style, you should not bully the victim. We call that victim shaming. It’s not right to say it’s the teachers’ fault. Look, like you, my people have suffered images of Krishna on footwear, and toilet seats.
We get upset, but like civilised people we send polite messages to people not to do it. And they listen and respect that. We don’t threaten them with mass killings, shootings and suicides. Well, they wouldn’t believe us anyway. But when you say that on Twitter PM Khan, they will believe you. Don’t say such things. It’s bad brand management. You know what they say, ‘it may be you, that’s the problem, PM Khan.’
You seem to think it is okay to chop the head off first, then say to the victim, ‘what do you expect?’. That’s not how it works. In a civilised country, we try to persuade, explain our feelings are hurt. If a law is broken, we point that out. We don’t go around chopping heads off – and the French certainly don’t – well, not for a couple of hundred years now.
Now, you’ve studied in the UK, partied large at Annabel’s, you know the importance of liberty and how the West works. I appreciate you’ve left that life and they do say, ‘none as extreme as a convert.’
I heard a rumour you went to my University. I, umm, don’t mean to be rude, but having heard your whaling at the UN, I’d really need to see a certificate of admission on that one.
So let’s get back to the French. Perhaps try explaining in your ‘inside’ not cricket field voice that you get upset and it’s not right. I get that. I wouldn’t want to wantonly insult someone’s religion. I agree with you. But to go straight to the nuclear option, well, you seem to have two switches, off and nuclear.
Try nuance. Try something in between. Now genetically I know you will say you come from warrior clans and fighters and only know to fight. We saw that from your relative General Niazi in the 1971. But trust me on this one. You’re not good at the war, fighting thing. If you were, Gandhiji would not have had to go non-violent.
So, top tip. Don’t go nuclear and threaten everyone with annihilation each time you get upset. Take some CBD oil. It’s legal, unlike those other crops you’re exporting. But that’s for another column.
And next time you’re in London, let’s do Annabel’s – a quick one at least.
Alpesh Patel
www.PoliticalAnimal.me
