Dear Former Heads of Government,
It appears that you find yourselves in a bit of a sticky wicket, what with these allegations of criminality nipping at your heels. It's always unfortunate when one's past misdeeds, real or imagined, come back to haunt them like an unpaid intern. It's a universal law, really, like gravity or the inevitability of being disappointed by a British summer. But fear not, I've got some pearls of wisdom for you, freshly plucked from the oyster of my experience.
Firstly, do take a moment to consider resignation. It's a fashionable choice these days, really. In the world of politics, resignation is the new black. It carries with it a lovely air of dramatic resignation, a sense of "I've had enough of this circus, I'm taking my talents elsewhere!" There's something quite noble about it, like a knight falling on his sword, only with less blood and more photo opportunities. Plus, if you time it right, you might even get a nice retirement package out of it.
However, resigning might seem a bit... defeatist. A bit like giving up halfway through a Monty Python sketch because the parrot isn't quite dead enough. In that case, how about the opposite approach? Double down. Insist that the allegations are as ludicrous as a lumberjack who's afraid of trees. Remind the public of your unwavering commitment to their interests. Or better yet, deflect and distract. Remember, nothing says "I'm innocent" quite like a sudden interest in extraterrestrial life or the announcement of a new infrastructure project.
But perhaps the most entertaining option would be to simply carry on as if nothing has happened. After all, denial isn't just a river in Egypt. Keep calm and carry on, as they say. If anyone asks, just insist that you're too busy working on behalf of the people to concern yourself with such trivial matters. Who knows, with a bit of luck and a lot of audacity, you might just convince everyone else to do the same.
In the end, the choice is yours. Resign, double down, or carry on - each approach carries its own risks and rewards. But whatever you do, do remember to maintain a sense of humour about the whole thing. After all, as we Brits know all too well, if you can't laugh at yourself, there's always plenty of other people willing to do it for you.
Yours in satire,
